As a parent or caregiver you can play a significant role in helping the young person heal from the impacts of sexual violence. The most effective way to start is by believing and giving them power over the process.
It is okay to not know how to respond to a disclosure. Let the young person disclose the details of what happened at their own pace and whatever they are comfortable with talking about at this stage. It is important to not push the young person to go into details that they are not comfortable with sharing (QSAN, 2023).
It is also important to look after yourself and it’s ok to not have all the answers. Sexual violence is not something which is spoken about a lot in society, so this can make it difficult to talk about. We also know that the statistics of sexual assault are far greater than the official data and you may also be a survivor yourself and have not disclosed before. Be sure to look after yourself in this process too, kindness, patience and compassion should be extended to your child and towards yourself.
What is Sexual Violence?
“Sexual violence is any unwanted sexual behaviour towards another person. It can happen in public, private, or institutional settings and can be carried out by people known to the victim (including family members, partners or former partners) or by strangers. Sexual violence often has lifelong impacts on people who experience it” (Queensland Health, 2019).
Understanding CONSENT
Queensland has strict laws about sex and sexual activity.
Any sexual activity or advancements made without consent is against the law. The legal age for consent for having sex in Queensland is 16. This strict age limit is in place to help protect children and young people from harm (Legal Aid Queensland, 2022).
Consent is giving permission for something to happen. When you consent, it is given freely and voluntarily by a person with the cognitive capacity to do so (QPS, 2021).
You have the right to withdraw consent at any time during sexual activity:
- Even if you have consented to being with someone, you have the right to say ‘STOP’ if you don’t want to do something.
- Consenting to one kind of sexual act does not automatically mean you consented to another (QPS, 2021).
| Consent IS being/feeling… | Consent IS NOT being/feeling… |
| Respected | Disrespected |
| Sober | Drunk or high or asleep |
| Informed | Misled |
| Comfortable | Fearful |
| Willing | Forced |
| Confident | Intimidated |
| Certain | Threatened |
(QPS, 2021)
What is Child Sexual Abuse?
The term child sexual abuse (or child sexual assault) refers to any sexual act or sexual threat imposed on a child by an adult, young person or older child. Adults and young people who sexually abuse children take advantage of the child’s trust, innocence and/or developmental stage (NSW Health Education Centre Against Violence, 2013).
Child sexual abuse includes a wide range of behaviours and acts. These are some examples:
• exposing children to pornographic material or behaviours, or taking visual images of children for pornographic purposes
• a person exposing their genitals or masturbating in front of a child
• touching a child/young person’s genitals or breasts and forcing or persuading a child to touch the perpetrators genitals
• penetrating a child with a finger, penis, or object
• involving a child in oral, vaginal, or anal sexual activity (NSW Health Education Centre Against Violence, 2013).
Child sexual abuse is against the law.
What is Grooming?
Being aware of the signs of grooming helps us understand the steps we can take to better protect children from child sexual abuse.
Grooming describes the preparatory stage of child sexual abuse and exploitation undertaken by the abuser to gain the trust and/or compliance of the child or young person and to establish secrecy and silence to avoid disclosure. Carers (and/or other significant adults) may also be groomed by the person using violence (or abuser). Grooming may be in person or online. Online grooming can take place through phones and interactive platforms including chat and instant messaging apps, social media, and gaming. Perpetrators use interactive platforms as a gateway to initiate contact with a young person (Bravehearts, 2023).
Grooming may cause a child to:
- think as though they had an important and special relationship with the person who is harming them.
- experience confusion over the nature of their relationship.
- internalise the abuse as their fault, feel responsible for any harm experienced and fear that they will be blamed, punished, or not believed.
- fear that they will be separated from their family or home if they speak out; and/or
- believe that the disclosure may cause harm to someone or something they love and care for, such as family members or pets (Bravehearts, 2023).
Grooming may take several forms:
- Building the child’s trust: Using presents, special attention, treats, spending time together and playing games with non-sexual physical contact.
- Favouritism: The offender treats the child as an adult; treating them differently and making them feel like a unique friend, making the child feel more special than others.
- Gaining the trust of the child’s parents or carer/s: Careful to be ‘seen’ as a close, caring and reliable relative or friend of the family.
- Isolation (from family, friends): To ensure secrecy and reduce the chance of disclosure or belief.
- Intimidation and secrecy: The offender may use coercion e.g., threatening looks and body language, glares, stalking and rules of secrecy.
- ‘Testing the waters’ or boundary violation: ‘Innocent’ touching, gradually developing into ‘accidental’ sexual contact.
- Shaping the child’s perceptions: The child is often left feeling confused as to what is acceptable and can take on self-blame for the situation, as his/her/their viewpoint can become totally distorted (Bravehearts, 2023).
People using violence often display similarities of genuine caring behaviour which can make it challenging to determine if a child is being groomed until after the sexual abuse has occurred (Bravehearts, 2023).
Traumatic Impacts of Sexual Violence on the Survivor
Victim-survivors may experience the impacts of a sexual assault physically and psychologically over both the short and long term. The impact of the sexual assault depends on many factors. These may include:
- the nature of the assault itself,
- how long it lasted,
- the extent of the physical harm,
- the victim’s relationship to the perpetrator,
- whether the victim has had an earlier childhood history of abuse or neglect, and
- how family, friends and others respond to what the victim says about the assault (Haskell & Randall, 2019).
Impacts of sexual abuse include:
- shock and anger,
- fear and anxiety,
- hyper-alertness and hypervigilance,
- irritability and anger,
- disrupted sleep, nightmares, flashbacks.
- anxiety/panic attacks
- rumination and other reliving responses,
- increased need for control,
- tendency to minimize or deny the experience as a way of coping,
- tendency to isolate oneself,
- feelings of detachment,
- emotional constriction,
- feelings of betrayal, and
- a sense of shame (Haskell & Randall, 2019)
- self-harm
- suicidal ideation
- difficulty to concentrate, and/or preoccupation.
The sexualized nature of the violence adds a particularly traumatizing aspect to the experience. Being sexually violated or raped can be one of the most traumatizing experiences a person can go through. The sense of betrayal experienced by victim-survivors is a significant element of the harm and trauma they experience if the person using violence was someone whom they considered safe and trustworthy. This only aggravates the sense of shame and self-blame, along with the victim-survivor’s reluctance to disclose the sexual assault, all of which increase trauma (Haskell & Randall, 2019).
Studies have indicated that victim-survivors often fear serious physical harm or death while experiencing sexual violence. Severe physical injury or fear of death is correlated with similar or more severe post-traumatic harm, like that in prolonged military combat. Even when a sexual assault occurred without a weapon, almost half of all victims in one study stated that they feared serious injury or death during the sexual assault (Haskell & Randall, 2019).
Due to preconceived notions and stereotypes of sexual violence, such as sexual assault is aggressively violent and would always result in externally visible bodily harm- non-consensual sexual activities that do not result in visible bodily harm are often not viewed or understood as sexual violence. Such notions about sexual violence are both misleading and invalidating of the survivor’s traumatic experience.
How to respond? -Support, Listen and Be Consistent
A child/young person may disclose the sexual assault in many ways- you may or may not be the first person to find out. However, the fact that the child or young person has disclosed or raised the issue with you is evidence of their trust in you. Whatever you may hear, your response and reaction matters.
As a parent/carer, the disclosure can be confronting and overwhelming and can bring about a range of emotions. Carers/parents often blame themselves for not being able to protect the child or young person from the sexual abuse, especially if the person using violence was known to the family. It is not your fault. You could not have known what was going to happen otherwise you would have tried to prevent it.
The young person is in no way responsible for what happened. The only person to blame is the person using violence.
Support
It is important to ensure that the young person is not in any ongoing or current danger. It may be important for the young person to speak with a trusted medical professional about any physical concerns following the sexual abuse e.g. sexually transmitted diseases.
It is important to let the child or young person know that the abuse was in no way their fault and that they had limited or no control over the situation, and that the act of violence was a choice made by the abuser. Try and make the young person feel safe and secure and remind them that you still love them.
Knowing what services and reporting options are available can help, however pursuing an option must be openly discussed and mutually understood. In Queensland, all adults are lawfully required to report child sexual abuse perpetrated by an adult (anyone over the age of 18 years).
Listen
Have open discussions with the young person regarding what happened and how and what they are feeling, even when it can be challenging or upsetting for you. Avoid assumptions or judgments and ask them what would be most helpful. It is important that you have other adults you can talk to in confidence about your own emotional experience, rather than focusing on this with the young person.
Be Consistent
The healing process is unpredictable and has ups and downs. Consistent support is essential. Remember, sometimes things appear to get worse before they get better as everyone starts to express and process their feelings. The time frame and healing process for every person is unique. Consistent parenting, maintaining a routine and providing a stable environment will all have a positive impact on the young person.
Give power where possible
This looks like your child/young person deciding who else is told about the sexual assault they have experienced, how people find out, if they are ready to see a Counsellor, or not, and decisions around reporting, even if it is mandatory to report, they can chose to be with you at the time, or chose not to be present etc. Your child/young person feeling a sense of control over the process after the sexual assault makes a significant difference to their healing and recovery.
Things that may be helpful to say:
| “I believe you and I am here to support you through this” |
| “What happened is in no way your fault” |
| “It takes a lot of strength and courage for people to talk about this” |
| “I care about you and want to be there for you in every way I can” |
(QSAN, 2023)
Effects on Parents/Caregivers:
The impact of sexual violence is not limited to the survivors. As caregivers/parents, you may experience one or more of the following:
Emotional numbness or shock– As in any life experience that is sudden, unexpected, and life-changing, numbness accompanies the shock. You may experience an inability to feel, to sense, and to feel present in your lives.
Denial – This is a normal response to any traumatic event. The mind needs time to accept the reality of the disclosure.
Disbelief– It can be hard for you to believe that your child is a victim-survivor of sexual violence. It is even more difficult to believe when the person using violence was someone within the family- people using violence can be quite convincing and know how to create confusion in the minds of both parents and survivors.
Anger- It is normal for you to experience a sense of anger towards the abuser/person using violence, survivor, self, social services, family members, God, and/or life in general. It may take time and encouragement for you to move through the stages of grief and focus the anger solely on the abuser.
Hurt and pain – You may experience a sense of pain and loss. Life may feel chaotic and out of control. You may experience grief and loss both mentally and/or physically- the chest hurts, the throat constricts, and periods of deep sadness and crying are normal. If the abuser was a partner, child, or other family member, this hurt is intensified.
Guilt –You may experience a sense of guilt from thoughts such as “how did I let that happen?” and “how did I not know?”. This reaction usually lasts until the mind can assign all responsibility for the abuse to the abuser.
Shame – Guilt is the feeling that you “did” something bad. Shame is related to the belief that you “are” bad, that something is wrong with you. You may feel ashamed or view yourselves as ‘bad parents.’ You may feel like the people around you view you negatively or hold you responsible for what happened. However, it is important to remember that the violence is no one but the abuser’s fault.
Betrayal/ Sense of Safety – The experience of violence may make you feel like the world is no longer a safe place. If the abuse occurred in the home, the home is not a safe place. The sense of safety, stability, and security may be lost. If the abuser was a family member, the abuse is a betrayal to that relationship.
Isolation and loneliness – You may feel lonely or isolated from friends, family and community after the disclosure. It can be hard to open up/share your and thoughts and feelings with the people around you.
Rage and a desire for revenge – You may experience a strong sense of anger and rage towards the abuser.
Feelings of sexual inadequacy – This reaction is more likely to occur if the offender is a husband or intimate partner. The person responsible for the sexual abuse is the perpetrator. Sexual abuse is not about sexual gratification, it is about power and control.
Confusion – You may experience confusion and uncertainty at different points throughout the process- in relation to reporting, telling family members or friends, decision-making, problem-solving, choosing counsellors, the court process, sorting through thoughts and feelings, and a myriad of related processes.
(Mothers of Sexually Abused Children, 2023)
Seeking Support for Yourself
Seeking support for yourself is important in order to manage your own feelings and to understand and recognize the symptoms of trauma in your child.
It is important for you to seek support for yourself whilst supporting your child through the process of healing and recovery. Your child is counting on you for support. Whilst ensuring your child’s safety and their needs being met, it’s equally important to take care of yourself. That means finding a way to work through your feelings and reactions to the abuse in a way that doesn’t interfere with your child’s welfare. It may not be easy, but with the right support it is possible (RAINN, 2023).
- Consider talking to a mental health practitioner one-on-one. Individual therapy provides you with the opportunity to focus on yourself and your concerns, without worrying about how your child may respond to what you are talking about.
- Having a strong support system for yourself is just as important as being one for your child. It might be family and friends you trust, or it might be a support group that you didn’t have a connection with before.
- Set limits. Dealing with these emotions can be time-consuming and draining. Set aside time for activities that don’t revolve around the abuse.
- Practice self-care to keep your mind and body in healthy shape (RAINN, 2023).
Useful strategies
- Spending time with people you trust and are supportive.
- Expressing your thoughts and feelings through journalling, artwork or through exercise.
- Scheduling time to process what is happening.
- Maintaining healthy eating and physical activity
- Practicing sleep hygiene. Getting a good night’s sleep, and resting when you need to.
- Seeking information/support/therapy for yourself and other family members
(Gold Coast Centre Against Sexual Violence, 2023)
Services that can provide support
- The Centre Against Sexual Violence Inc. (Logan and Redlands) offers free sexual assault counselling to women and young women aged 12 and above who have experienced sexual violence at any time in their lives. The CASV offers up to 3 support sessions for parents/caregivers of children and young women who have experienced sexual violence.
- 1800 RESPECT provides support to people impacted by sexual violence and family and domestic violence. They also provide information and support to carers and support people (https://www.1800respect.org.au/).
- Parentline provides free counselling and support for parents (https://parentline.com.au/).
References
Bravehearts. 2023. What is Grooming? What is Grooming? | Bravehearts
Gold Coast Centre Against Sexual Violence. 2023. Parent’s Guide: Responding to a young person who has experienced sexual violence. Resources | Gold Coast Centre Against Sexual Violence (stopsexualviolence.com)
Haskell, L., Randall, M. 2019. The Impact of Trauma on Adult Sexual Assault Victims. Research and Statistics Division, Justice Canada. PART I – The Traumatic Impact of Sexual Assault on Victims – The Impact of Trauma on Adult Sexual Assault Victims (justice.gc.ca)
Legal Aid Queensland. 2022. Having sex and sexual offences. Having sex – Legal Aid Queensland
Mothers of Sexually Abused Children. 2023. Common Reactions. Information Resources and Support. MOSAC – Mothers of Sexually Abused Children – References
NSW Health Education Centre Against Violence, 2013. Sharing the Un-shareable: A resource for women on recovering from child sexual abuse.
QPS. 2021. What is consent? What is consent? | QPS (police.qld.gov.au)
QPS. 2021. What is Sexual Assault? What is sexual assault? | QPS (police.qld.gov.au)
Queensland Sexual Assault Network (QSAN). 2023. Supporting someone who has disclosed a sexual assault. https://qsan.org.au/resources/supporters/supporting-someone-who-has-disclosed-sexual-assault/
RAINN. 2023. Help for Parents of Children Who Have Been Sexually Abused by Family Members. Help for Parents of Children Who Have Been Sexually Abused by Family Members | RAINN